“Would You Like Actual Food With That Liquid Processed Cheese Product?”


The first step of recovery for an addict is to admit you have a problem. As I navigate the full implications of the knowledge I have existed in this realm for almost a quarter century, I’m starting to realize I might have a few problems. I’m not sure exactly when it started, but I find myself almost daily craving heavily processed ‘Murican-style cheese. You know what I’m talking about: that brightly colored orange shit that’s (probably) only a few molecules off from being plastic. You can get it at Wendy’s, Taco Bell, and the movie theater with those soft pretzel things. I’ll lick every. last. drop. out of the disposable container (Bad Hippie! Disposable Plastic Bad!) it comes in, occasionally in public with not a single fuck to give about disgusted bystanders considering if it’s Snapchat-worthy.

It probably started sometime in childhood; I’ve had a nonsensical aversion to meat for a long as I can remember with the notable exceptions of seafood (in particular raw fish), fried chicken, and bacon. The only way to get me to eat an Arby’s sandwich was to cover it in half a bottle of ketchup or resort to straight-up financial bribery.  Mac and Cheese, however, was a frequent flyer on the kids menu and my default whenever we ate out. The first time I had Velveeta, the bougie answer to the off-brand Kraft dinners in our pantry, was at my Aunt’s and one of my favorite meals from then on. I didn’t eat it too often, since it was a whole 89 cents more expensive than the normal stuff and therefore usually told to put it back on the self at the grocery store, unless we were at Sav-A-Lot and/or it was on sale.

I’d like to fully transition to vegan eventually, not because I’m a “crazy animal rights activist,” but because factory farming is one of humanity’s most disgusting inventions and I don’t want to financially support that industry. It doesn’t take a genius to wonder about the connection between skyrocketing cancer rates and how our food is produced. I don’t think meat is necessarily “bad” for us, we’ve been eating it for millennia, but pumping animals full of antibiotics, feeding them diets of GMO corn, and irradiating it to kill off e.coli bacteria just seems…..unnatural. A free-range venison steak or beef from a cow raised and slaughtered by the Amish, on the other hand? Probably safe (ie, less cancer-y).

I’m a bit late to jump on the Lent bandwagon, but I’m committing to 40 days starting right now without processed cheese in my diet. No liquid golden ooze, no more gwilled pwease sammiches, no dollar frozen pizzas.  I have no idea what the fuck I’m supposed to eat, maybe, like, a vegetable? Tomato soup? Protein shakes?! My palate is startlingly similar to a 10-year old’s, in direct correlation with my sense of humor. /insert fart joke here/

This should prove to be a most interesting experiment in willpower and re-training neural pathways. Let the science begin!


PLANET HALEY is an independent editorial publication directed towards Millenials with the goal of promoting serious conversations about finance, business, technology, and politics in a 24 hour, digital world with the eventual goal of all our mutual successes. We strongly support a free and open Internet, knowing that it is essential to transmit knowledge, collaborate with like-minded individuals, and spread unique, valuable ideas around the globe to educate and empower the citizens of the world. This article is free to share, just please post a link back to the site so my readership can grow, and maybe donate to my college fund? :3

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