How to Hit on Girls over Messenger

Ladies, I know you can relate to this: have you ever been in the middle of reading a great book on your tablet or watching something on Hulu and that irritating “DING!” of Crackbook messenger interrupts your concentration? You look to see who it is, and it’s another random dude saying something along the lines of “Hey beautiful!” or “You’re a cutie, where are you from?” You roll your eyes and swipe the message off your screen and go back to what you were doing, but sure enough a few minutes later is another message from the same person, again interrupting that documentary on Wall Street corruption you’re desperately trying to watch.

Boys, if you’re genuinely looking for someone to hook up with and/or date, there are plenty of other sites and apps for that. It’s really irritating to have to sift through the 10 unsolicited advances we get every single day from you and your fellow fuckbois to get to messages from our actual friends, and we just want it to stop. We’re not sending you nudes, we don’t want to go out with you, and we are not interested in seeing a picture of your micropenis. Your energy would be better spent on Tinder, since Crackbook is not a dating site. Why are you wasting your time on it trying to talk to us? We don’t really care how physically attractive you think we are, nor about your desperate need to find another female to subjugate into the role of a human dishwasher. GTFO our inbox, or send us some weed memes. If you can make us laugh, you stand a much better chance at us actually being interested in interacting with you. If you absolutely cannot suppress your urges to hit on random strangers on the internet, at least send us some memes. If your opener is a comment about our physical appearance, you already messed up right off jump street. Now we know you’re not interested in us as an actual human being with thoughts and opinions, but just as a glorified sex object, and we’re just not interested.  We’re girls; we can go out and acquire free alcohol and wieners at our leisure if we really need to.

If ignoring these annoying “dings” get too much, I propose all us female just start soliciting money from fuckbois. “Oh you think I’m pretty? Send me $20 to get my nails done so I can be even more beautiful for you, sweetie!” They will either send you the money or stop messaging you once you try to shake them down. Time is money; if I must waste countless minutes of my day responding to ridiculousness, the least I can do is to try to be compensated for it. Think like a Nigerian Prince(ess), and go full savage about it.

How Do You Hit On Girls On Messenger? The easy answer is: DON’T, and save that shit for Tinder or Plenty of Fish. Otherwise I will ask you for money or tell you all about a wonderful opportunity with the hottest new trend in network marketing.


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