Do You Even THRIVE, Bro?

Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (or one of those weirdos who still doesn’t have a Crackbook), you probably know someone selling THE HOTTEST new weightless and lyfestyle supplement, Thrive. I recently had a chance to guinea pig this supposed “miracle alternative to snorting adderal” so my Colonists don’t have to!

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DAY ZERO:

This (minus another shake mix that I was consuming at the time I snapped this picture) is what came in my sample bag. A nice girl I ran into at a street fair gave it to me while I was working a t-shirt booth. She was lean and thin, with the kind of legs I associate with someone who ran cross country in high school (not me; even before I started smoking cigarettes a mile around the track before softball practice was medieval torture on par with the Inquisition.)

The company, LeVel was founded by these two bros who supposedly have “41 years of combined experience in the health and wellness industry,” but no credentials are listed on their official website. Some would find this suspicious, but then again its 2017 and I totally put “graphic design experience” on my resume because making weed memes on Instagram totally counts in today’s world.

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DAY ONE:

THRIVE consists of three easy-peasy steps. The first one is to take two capsules as soon as you wake up to prep your body for a nutrient-rich shake you drink about 20 minutes afterward. My shake was vanilla flavored and since I mixed it with water it tasted pretty chalky. I’d recommend trying it with milk instead for a more pleasurable experience (or soy or almond milk for my vegan readers). After drinking the shake, I slapped a patch onto my forearm and jumped into doing hair and makeup for the day.

I noticed I did feel more energized about half an hour after completing the routine. It was similar to the feeling I get after chugging a Red Bull to get into Boss Mode, which is a typical part of my morning routine. Today, I skipped the Red Bull because I wanted to observe the effects of Thrive with as few variables as possible. The shake was pretty filling as well, so I didn’t eat anything for breakfast, either (A typical breakfast for me consists of a small bowl of granola-based cereal or a small plate of whatever leftovers I can scavenge from the icebox from the previous night). The increased energy level plateaued after an hour or so and I felt super tuned-in and focus when I sat down to do some research for an upcoming post. I was able to consistently maintain that momentum between responding to emails, messages, taking notes, and eventually actively listening to a podcast related to a sales and marketing course I’m taking.

I noticed a few side effects:

  1. I was more thirsty than I normally am through the course of the day and found myself chugging water to combat the cotton mouth. I suspect this is because the product supposedly boosts your metabolism, and water is critical to support body processes so it makes since my body would be using more than usual. I adjusted my water intake when I felt thirsty and ended up drinking about three bottles worth more than I do in a typical day. Not necessarily a bad thing; I suspect that I don’t drink as much as I should and the Pintrest Drink A Gallon A Day For A Week has been on my To-Do list for potential blog posts for a while.
  2. I found myself wanting a cigarette more than I usually do. Yes, I know smoking is “bad” and probably going to give me cancer, but you probably eat McDonald’s so STFU in the comments section. This is something that I’ve noticed also is consistent with stimulants such as cocaine and adderal (Disclaimer: Kids, cocaine, meth, and opiates are bad and you shouldn’t do them ever, m’kay? Weed and hallucinogens are other matters and will be elaborated on in a future installment of PH.)
  3. I didn’t want to eat for almost 6 to 7 HOURS after drinking the shake. which was AWESOME because when I’m bored I shove whatever I can into my big fat fucking face. This, along with birth control, have caused me to gain 15-20 unwanted pounds since switching to a less active job. I ate one protein bar, some hummus on naan, and a handful of deez nutz and felt satisfied during the day.
  4. I was up until 3:30am, still getting shit done with that same “awake” mindset. As nice as it was finally unpacking that last suitcase, getting some homework done, and still being in the zone, I’m a natural night owl and have difficulty waking up and functioning before noon on a good day. Next time, I’m going to try removing the patch and hour or two before bed time to try and “wind down” easier.

DAY TWO:

Since  I had two shakes, four patches, and four vitamin packs, I decided to skip the shake today and just take a pill packet and a patch. This one I slapped on my tummy before restraining the spare tire in some control-top pantyhose and two body shapes. My mom’s convinced I’m going to cause permanent damage to my baby-making regions, but I feel so self conscious about my extra blubber bouncing around with every step (and don’t plan on reproducing until lab grown spawn becomes more affordable. Women in our family have difficult and often life-threatening pregnancies.). The appetite suppressant magic didn’t work as well as yesterday, probably because I didn’t have a shake today. Made one out of some hemp protien powder I have laying around and that suppressed my  need to snack until after 420. When I peeled the patch off at the end of the night, the side of my stomach looked a little smaller, but I bet this is just a placebo or result of me restraining my yucky tummy flab in a 21st century answer to a corset. Still was up a little later than usual while still being energized, but a little CBD oil had me in bed when I needed to be with no further issues. Didn’t have as much energy as the day before, but still felt like I could take on a jog if I had time to exercise.

DAY THREE:

My suspicions about the shake being nesscessary for optimum effects was indeeed correct. Used the shake and the system like you’re supposed to the same way I did on Day One and had the same results of calm, lazer-focused “git errr done” energy, an aversion to anything in the icebox, and thirstier than a candy kid without a water point. Today I outlined and started preliminary research for four articles, weeded the onions in the backyard, and chased a bunch of squirrels out of the peach tree. At my second job as a waitress, the boss noticed my increased energy (even though my patch wasn’t visible) and commented on how efficiently I was busing tables, slanging food, and generally kicking ass. I’ll take that as a shining endorsement to the awesomeness of THRIVE.

 

VERDICT:

Well, the product absolutely works as advertised, though for $140 dollars a month (works out to be $35 bucks a week for my math challenged Colonists) I initially balked at the price. However, considering I didn’t really feel like eating during my trial experience (and need to loose a few pounds to once again slide into my favorite 00 Hollister jeans), I would be willing to fork over the cash and conduct a four-week study for the benefit of my waistline and my Colonists! I’ll give THRIVE a solid 🍄🍄🍄🍄🍄 based on my trial.

Cheers,

Haley ❤

PS. Discuss your experiences with THRIVE in the comments. Were your results similar to mine? Did you notice any side effects?

 

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